Trying to move on

My dad died January 4, 2018.   It was not unexpected.  He fought valiantly and held on like there was nothing after life...like an overdue baby that is too big to be born.

It's October already and I'm still trying to let myself mourn.  My mom wouldn't let me mourn, and now I find myself stuck in a place where I can't let myself mourn, nor can I be around my mom because I have to hold so tightly to my tears.  It feels a little like I have lost both parents, when all I want is to have my mom back...

I'm struggling still.  I want to reenter the world of the living, but I'm having trouble letting go of Dad.  I wish I could just say, "Thanks, Dad, you did a great job, I'll see you on the other side."  but I cant.  He did a decent job.  After a rough start, and a lot of head butting, in the end he said he was proud of me, even if I didn't do things his way.  (I'd like to hear my mom say that.)  So, he was a good dad in the sense that he did love me, even when we went different ways.  But I'm having trouble with the "Ill see you on the other side part."  And there's nothing I can do about that, and I feel so deeply that I failed him because he didn't get there.  but I know I have to give that to God as well.  And if my heart breaks over it, how must the heart of the One who loves him most be breaking?

I don't know how to go on.  I want to.  I want to make a list and check things off and go to bed at the end of each day knowing I did what I was supposed to do and I'm entitled to rest....but...I'm restless.

I don't know how to go on from here.